Being a dad of three wonderful children myself, I feel that it is my duty — nay, obligation — to share some of the most closely guarded secrets to our Ancient Order of Dad. These little-known truths have been entrusted to dads all around the world for generations. If you are a new dad, or are soon to be one then save this post. Stick it in a secure location for future reference because it just might save your hide.
1. Intentionally screw up the household chores. Put the dishes in the washer upside down. Fold the clothes inside out. Eventually, she’ll get pissed and do them all herself.
2. Do not screw up taking out the trash. It will likely be one of your few escapes from the house.
3. When your baby goes to DEFCON 2 (poops – and not if, but when), the first couple of times are cute. That wears off somewhere around day three. At the first sign of a DEFCON 2 emergency make yourself busy. I personally tend to randomly pick up a screwdriver and do something. I’ve been know to be ‘screwing in the power socket’ for no known reason, or gassing up the mower to mow grass in the middle of February.
4. They’re never too young to try a nip of beer. Especially if they won’t go to sleep. Ok, I’m just kidding on this one, or am I?
5. Once they start crawling, your baby will get into everything… and I mean EVERYTHING! Now would be a fantastic time to strategically redeploy your porn collection.
6. If you don’t have an old radio set then now would be a great time to invest in one. Your Sunday football will soon be replaced (if it hasn’t already) by the Wiggles reruns, and that Fat Purple Nightmare that isn’t your Aunt Edna’s ass.
7. If you’re not using them by now, two little words will save you more grief than any others… ‘yes, dear’.
8. If your wife is still pregnant, you will (at some point in the next several months) find yourself half-awake at 3AM baking brownies for reasons beyond your wary mind’s comprehension. Just go with it. You’ll thank us later.
9. When your child is first-born, never turn to your wife and say, ‘congratulations, hon. It’s a lizard.’ I still have the scar from that one.
10. There’s no law out there saying that you can’t customize your baby’s stroller so that you can maintain some semblance of manhood in public… flames on the sides, fog lights, fuzzy dice, an 8-ball hood ornament or two…
You now have been indoctrinated into the Order. You must vow to guard these sacred laws of wisdom with your lives. You mustn’t divulge them no matter how yummy that cake looks. Welcome to the Ancient Order of Dad. Go forth, and procrastinate, my brother.